Parents and kids and religion

In the Washington Post blog On Balance is a provocative column raising the issue of whether parents have the right to force their religion on their children. It was inspired, at least in part, by an Oregon case in which a divorced man who had converted to Judaism wanted to have his 12 year son circumsized over the objections of his ex-wife.

The issue of children and religion has been one I have wrestled with throughout my ministry as the pastor of a church and throughout my life. I have observed it played out in three different arenas.

For me, personally, I never felt that my parent's religion was forced on me. I grew up attending the Fort Sanders Baptist Church in Knoxville Tennessee because that is where my parents and my aunts and uncles and my grandparents attended. Plus, it was only 2 blocks from my house. I attended Sunday School classes, Training Union classes, and worship services there. At the age of 6, I "walked the aisle" at the invitation and made a profesion of faith and was baptized by immersion just before my 7th birthday. {There is way too much insider Baptist stuff in this sentence for me to 'unpack' for anyone now. If anyone is remotely interested in knowing about any of the terms, make a comment and I will be glad to expound.}

Why did I become a Baptist at that point in my life instead of a Methodist or a Buddhist? It was simply because that was the only religious life I knew. Was that forced on me? I don't think so, in the sense that my family never said to me, "Become a Baptist or else." Have I remained a Baptist? No. Several years ago, at a time of my increasing struggle with the theological direction the Southern Baptist Convention was heading, I was recommended to the search committee of the Plymouth Congregational Church of Wichita Kansas. I ended up serving that congregation for 9 years, then going to Piedmont College and Covenant Congregational Church in Georgia for nearly 2 years, and now going to preach at the First Congregational Church of Salt Lake City Utah with the possibility of serving as their pastor. Did my parents force their particular understanding of religion on me? If so, it did not quite stick.

The second arena was when Vicki and I had our children. When Adam and Joshua were growing up, I was typically serving as the pastor of a church. So, as I did with my parents, they came to church with us. Both of the boys went through the "Baptist-process" as I did. One difference in their experience from mine, I think, has been our willingness to talk to them about things religious and our own doubts and shortcomings in this part of life. Perhaps because of that both Adam and Joshua have explored many different religious expressions. Do they see things in exactly the same way that I do? Absolutely not. Does that trouble me? No.

The third arena is I have attempted to be a minister for families in the churches I have served. I have two approaches from parents. First one is when they say, "We are going to let Susie decide for herself what religion she wants to be when she gets a little older." Frequently what that means that neither the parents nor Susie ever attend any religious gatherings. Thus, Susie grows up without any religius inclinations at all. The second approach is the dogmatic one where Susie has been taught the words to say so that she can parrot them for the minister and, thus, become part of the church that the parents want her to be part of. Unfortunately in these families, discussions about religions and beliefs and churches never take place. There is no discussion needed. And, frequently what happens is that Susie grows up and never darkens the doors of a church again.

So, good readers, what should the role of parents be in their children's religious life? What have you experienced? I would be interested to hear.